The Dark Lord Kicks Total A
by griffin14
Summary: This is how the 7th book should end. Wierd. Funny. Could be offensive to extremely cannon loving HP fans?


Annie/Note: Who is ready for this fantastic story? I know I am.

Disclaimer: No dice. I do not own Harry Potter…and stuff…F U… just kidding…. about the F U part… I really don't own this schiz.

--------------------------------------------------------

"Avada Kedavra!" Were the only words Harry heard as Belatrix friggin Lestrange pointed her wand at Hermione and ended the life of his best friend. That was his best friend, not his lover. Idiots.

"Damn you, green light!" yelled Harry.

Ron, on the other hand, sprung into action. He raised his own wand and said, with more anger than Harry had ever heard from the red head, the words that had killed so many perdy lives. Belatrix friggin Lestrange fell to the floor, dead.

A voice boomed over the sound system, how that sound system got installed in Godric's Hollow was a mystery, but it was there. The voice said, "Oh, little Ronnie. You just shot a kid, hun."

Ron looked at the speaker in disgust. "This is a wand, not a gun. And that is a super bitch death eater, not a kid. Fag."

"I think the sound system was just trying to make a point, Ron. It isn't everyday you murder someone. No need to get angry. Maybe I'm not the only one that needs therapy, eh?" said Canadian Harry.

"Shut up, Harry."

Harry cried.

Ron slapped him.

All was well.

"Now, ready to take on some bad dude?" asked Ron.

The Boy Who Lived But Not So Much Kicked Ass gave a small sniffle and said, "Okay, I can take on Voldie Poo now. I can finally kill the man that killed my parents. In fact, he killed them in this very place. Spooky."

"Don't you love it when stuff goes full circle?" asked the sound system.

"Like in The X-Files, how they have that conversation in the pilot while she's on the bed and he's on the floor, then they have the exact same positioning in the finale!" said Harry.

The sound system somehow managed to nod excitedly and say, "Or in Seinfeld! The show starts and ends with the exact same conversation about button placement."

"Or in Dawson's Creek-"

Harry was cut off by Ron's yelling voice. "Shut up, you two poseurs with a u! Green eye-ed boy's gots some killings to do."

"Okay, okay," said a disappointed Harry. He looked around and yelled, "Some bad dude, you ready?"

Voldemort stood up from the folding chair in the corner that he had been quietly sitting in. "The Dark Lord is prepared to fight." He gave a small smile; it was a frightening smile that let Harry know that Voldie still had one more trick up his very fashionable robe sleeve.

"Why are you smiling? Did you just go to McDonalds without me!" asked Harry.

"No, child. I am smiling because I am not the real Dark Lord," said the apparently not Dark Lord.

"What do you mean you aren't the real Dark Lord?" asked a confused Harry.

"I mean, that all these horrible things that have happened, things everyone thought I was behind, it wasn't me. I am not the master mind. I am just the servant to the ultimate Dark Lord."

"If you aren't the some bad dude… then who is?" asked a perplexed Harry.

Voldemort gave another frightening smile. "Ron Weasley."

The sound system yelled, "Ah, hells nah!"

Harry turned around to face Ron who was now standing in a way Harry had never seen him stand. "It can't be true."

"But it is, Harry. I am the one that killed your parents."

"So, it's all been a lie? You were just pretending to be my friend all these years?"

"Yes, I am quite a skilled actor. I almost went to Hollywood, but I opted for taking over the world instead. But that was the toughest job I ever had, having to pretend to be the friend and sidekick of some whinyass punk. You drove me crazy these past seven years. All you ever did was cry and scream about your dead parents. No one cared Harry; everyone was only reading the books because they wanted to know when me and Hermione were finally going to get it on."

"Was that all a lie too, your feelings for Hermione?"

Ron looked thoughtful for a moment. "She did get kind of hot, but other than making out with her… yeah, all acting."

Harry shook his head. "I don't believe you."

"Well, that doesn't change anything, does it?" he paused and looked at Harry for a second and then, "Avada Kedavra!" And the Boy Who Lived didn't live so much anymore… meaning he was dead.

"Goodbye, my old friend," said Ron. "Except you weren't really my old friend, because we already established that was all crap. But whenever bad guys are about to kill someone or whatever they always say "Goodbye, my old friend," so I thought I would give it a try…. didn't really work for me. Ah, well, see you guys later, after I've fully taken over the world and all. I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife."

As the real Dark Lord walked off into the sunset, off to where he would destroy all that was good and pure, the sound system gave him the finger.

------------------------------------

Annie Note: Now, wasn't that just good fun? Can't you fellas totally see HP7 ending that way? I think it is extremely likely. Well, review it.


End file.
